It's been a tough year for me. Filled with growth in ways that I hadn't a notion that I could grow in. The main challenge for me has been learning to accept uncertainty and fear, with an upset stomach most of the time. I ran away from them as long and as hard as I could. I tried to ignore them-didn't work. I tried to medicate them-made me feel worse, like putting makeup on a pimple. Dealing with anxiety forced me to take care of myself. I have a tendency to ignore my needs, not necessarily physical, but definitely the emotional and mental and spiritual ones. It's only been a few weeks that I have been feeling better but I feel a lot more balanced now, not as teetery, not as likely to fall off my rope. I've started to remember who I am and I can feel my angry drifting away. I don't feel sorry for myself as much, I feel stronger, more hopeful and proud of myself for finally climbing this mountain instead of circling around it. I might keep meeting anxiety but now I know that a meeting with it doesn't have to mean a battle. Simply acknowledging the anxiety and feeling it in my body, instead of wishing it wasn't there, has helped tremendously. Seems like my Buddhist reading and my martial arts, , have converged into this idea-don't fight the opponent, flow with them. Flow with the punch, flow with the anxiety, let it all go, don't dam it up-the dam will break, feel it and let it flow through you. And learning to let those dams be washed away is where I am now.
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